Awww Mom,
Why can't I have a blog?
Everyone else is doing it...

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Wednesday, December 29, 2004

My father is proud to announce that he has uncovered TEN, TEN, count'em TEN actors with the currently highest Bacon Number of 8! His heuristic search technique was uncontaminated by traditional computer science approaches; he wrote no code to find the solution as others have.

I can confirm his discoveries personally, though I am unable to divulge the names in keeping with the traditions of the game. I'll give you some hints, though:

1. All ten actors are in the same movie.
2. One of the other actors in that movie has a Bacon Number of 7.
3. It's not an American movie.
4. It's not a recent movie.

Oracle of Kevin Bacon

He is also quite proud to say that, indeed, he has too much time on his hands.

Posted by SpasticMutant @ 02:29 PM PST [Link]

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Tuesday, December 28, 2004

While some people, especially on the other side of the planet, were excessively preoccupied with their own selfish concerns in the aftermath of the giant East Asian earthquake and tsunamis, real tragedy has unfolded here in the US.

Liza Minelli fell out of bed drunk and smacked her head, knocking herself unconscious.

Oh, the humanity.

I believe that the US government should own up to its responsibility in failing to protect Liza Minelli from the floor when she was clearly not capable of handling the effects of our planet's powerful and capricious gravitational field. It's well known that she drinks too much, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms KNOWS that she drinks too much, and something like this was bound to happen. I propose that we fund and deploy a mechanism to prevent tragedies like this in the future:

The Liza Minelli Early Warning Drunken Fall Detection System (LMEWDFDS).

Every American home and hotel can benefit from such a system so we can all do our part to atone for our past inadequacies and look forward to a better world where Liza Minelli can fall out of bed drunk and not fear that anything will cause her harm.

After all, if it can happen to Liza Minelli, it can happen to anyone.

[more]

Posted by SpasticMutant @ 03:21 PM PST [Link]

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Mammals R Us

"I love my wife, but does she really have to be such a mammal?"

The rest is pretty good too. Personally, I'm thinkin' about converting my excessive endowment into storage pouches so I can carry around more personal electronic devices.

Posted by SpasticMutant @ 06:26 PM PST [Link]

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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Dear Spastic Mutant

> This Non-Denominational Gift-Giving Season, I received a calendar
> from my boss, called Successories, which is one of those motivational
> calendars. This one happens to be a sports edition, which is
> ironic considering that I'm more than a few pounds overweight.
>
> I can only gather that he got the idea for this because I have
> one of the "Demotivators" calendars up in my cube, and if you
> only see it in passing, it looks like the real thing.
>
> For example, this month's shot is of the Pyramids. The subject
> of the caption is "Achievement", with the accompanying text:
> "You Can Do Anything You Set Your Mind to When You Have Vision,
> Determination, and an Endless Supply of Expendable Labor."
> Clearly, this guy didn't read the caption too closely.
>
> I had intended to get the 2005 Demotivators calendar and
> use that in my cube.
>
> What do I do now???
>
> -Misunderstood in Morristown.
>
>

Dear Misunderstood,

It is better to give then to receive.

Buy the 2005 Demotivators calendar and give it to HIM. When you
proudly display the 2005 Successories calendar in your cube, be sure
to make up a new "saying" or two to demotivate you, and tape 'em over
the current month's motivating phrase - it can be just as much fun as
having the actual Demotivators calendar in your cube!

For instance, take the sappy motivational phrase, "Together we can do
it", with the pictures of jets soaring through the air. You simply
add, "If you'll just take your boot off my neck for a moment", or,
"But I'm calling in sick today." See? Undermining motivation is
easy. Others may require more thought, but not too much more - you're
demotivated, remember?

Demotivation is in your heart and in your mind, not in your calendar.
You can subvert any management initiative if you truly don't believe.
Refer any difficult-to-subvert motivational phrases to the list. I'm
sure we can assist you if you're feeling underwhelmed.

Spastic Mutant

Posted by SpasticMutant @ 10:40 PM PST [Link]

Google Quick Quiz

Quick! Name that Sonnet:

For I have sworn thee fair and thought thee bright,
Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.

Posted by SpasticMutant @ 07:43 PM PST [Link]

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Awesome Bitch Rant

Here's a woman I could be friends with.

Blue Eyed Infidel

I have to agree with her about Eomer, and the asshat ratio online.

Posted by SpasticMutant @ 03:09 PM PST [Link]

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Thursday, December 9, 2004

World's most expensive truffle rots in fridge.

World's most expensive truffle rots in fridge.

My ex let a white truffle from Dean and DeLuca go too long in the fridge. It stank like a sneaker by the time the ex got around to using it. Dumb fuck.

Posted by SpasticMutant @ 09:52 PM PST [Link]

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